Disclaimer: I own nothing! I wish I did... Everything belongs to Joss, the WB, Fox,... Not me, so please don't sue!
Couple: Angel / Buffy - of course!!!
Spoilers: "Prom", "Graduation" and "Harsh Light Of Day"
Rating: ? - bad words, angst
Thanks to: Sam
Feedback: Please be gentle...
Author's Note: In first pov, Angel.

I walk over to the bench under the old oak. How long has this tree stood here? Maybe longer than myself, maybe I'm older. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Nothing will ever matter again. There is nothing left, nothing left to fight for, nothing left to live for…

I swallow. Why? Why did I swallow? I donut need to for I need nothing. I am dead. I never lived in my whole life, even before I got turned, I never lived…Yes, I did. I lived. I lived only when I had the gift of Buffy`s love.

But now I'm dead…

My soul died. My very soul died in that instant I saw Buffy with that guy.

She walked over the college park to the dormitory; I stood in the shadows and watched my one and only true love. I had come back to tell her that I was wrong. It was the most wrong thing I've ever done in nearly 250 years of living the life of the undead and the life of the dying.

I left her.

I was such a coward, such a liar. I lied to myself, I lied to Buffy. I told the world that I had to do this for her, but I really did it for myself.

It was fear. Pure fear and I could do nothing, but hide myself. I was afraid of losing her, afraid to see her dying. So what did I do? I left her. What did I think? I left her alone, without any help, without somebody to save her from getting harmed. I left her behind in my agony, consumed in my own suffering.

I'm drowning in anguish, in my own horrible anguish. In my fear, in the fear I live for, in the fear I feel for and over myself. I have fear.

Why couldn't I tell her? I was afraid of the fear and I afraid to tell her, afraid to tell the slayer about my fears…that I am so afraid.

Its eating me up inside. Its feeding on me, devouring me…My fear is consuming me, the jaws are closing over me.

I'm shaking. My whole body trembles.

Its over now. Everything is over.

I watched her walking. I wanted to run to her, hold her close and never let go…I couldn't move. I followed her in the distance. I knew she couldn't sense me. I looked on the board and searched for her room number.

Then I was there, in front of her room.

There she was, so near. I could have even touched her, had there not been that door. I could've touched her, if there was no curse. I could touch her skin, feel her against me, feel her heart beating against my cool chest, I could...Stop!

I ran out of the building, back into the shadows, into my shadows. Hiding myself, for myself.

I was panting as though I was being hunted. I donut need to, but I was panting. I was hunting myself, my soul hunted myself, my love hunted my soul and my demon hunted my love. …And I couldn't move.

I stood in the shadows and waited. I told myself that maybe she hadn't slayed today and she would come out and I would have a chance to talk to her. Maybe.

I stood there for a very long time, at least, it seemed to be a very long time. The she stepped out of the entrance and...this guy was holding her close. He had his arm wrapped around her waist and they laughed together. They laughed. Buffy laughed with this guy who had his arm wrapped around her waist, around my Buffy`s waist!

I couldn't believe it.

How? It had only been a few weeks since I had left her and she, she had already found a new man, someone new to love. Didn't it mean anything to her, didn't I mean anything to her?

I couldn't stand it. I couldn't watch it longer. But I waited again. I couldn't help myself. I had to wait. I needed to talk to her, even if it didn't change anything...now.

She came back. They came back and they laughed, they were still laughing. We never laughed that much. She was free now. I freed her out of my chains by leaving her.

I forced myself to stay. I followed them upstairs to her room. I stayed behind so that they wouldn't see me. I waited in the communal room near the cola and coffee vending machines. Nobody noticed me. Everybody was so occupied with talking and laughing and...

Laughing. The time went by and he was still in her room. I couldn't bear it. I went over to her room and slowly opened the door, making no noise at all, it wasn't locked.

I looked inside and they sat on a sofa…kissing, passionately kissing. I stared at them, in shock, and then I ran. I ran and couldn't stop running.

Now I'm here. I'm here, sitting under this old oak tree, waiting for something to come and swallow me. Maybe I'm waiting for the sun.

My heart is aching. Its hurting so much that if I were alive ,it would be a mortal cardiac infarction, but being dead, this wasn't the way *it* would happen.

I'm waiting.

The tears, the silent tears are running over my cheeks. The cool tears are running down my cold face, my feelings making themselves known unto the world, into reality.

I had been dreaming, but now I've lost my dreams and I've lost my reality, too. The agony is overwhelming me.

A couple walks by along the other side of the street. They seem so lucky. They are watching me. I'll bet they're talking about me, about this guy, sitting on a bench, crying. They talk about Angel.

Where is my angel?

Where had Buffy`s angel been, as we met the first time? She should have killed me! She should have!

Fate. How can we influence fate? The Powers that Be? What about them? They rescued me, they gave my Buffy back to me, but I didn't want her, I refused her. My heart was breaking, but I refused her because I wanted her to be happy…and now that she is, I can't bear it.

I want to see her happy with me and I want to be happy too! I want to be happy again, happy again with her and only with her!

I want my Buffy back!

I'm shaking. I draw up my knees and wrap my arms around them, rocking myself, crying.

Its Saturday night. Young people are walking down the road and there is someone sitting on the bench, crying. A man dressed in black is sitting on a bench, is rocking himself like a little child, and is crying.

They watch me. Some of them laugh at me…I donut care. Nothing counts anymore, nothing.

I'm chanting. Silently chanting her name through my cries…

Buffy, Buffy, Buffy…

I close my eyes, I lose the world around me, the world loses me.

"If you want that slut, go get her…Hey! I said, if you want that slut, Buffy, then go get her!"

What? Time had passed. I could nearly smell the sunrise. Only a few more minutes, only...

"Hey, you bum! Shit, man. Go and get that freaking slut!"

I looked up into the face of the guy who had been with Buffy in her room. His face was totally crushed. His nose was broken and bleeding, and his left eye was swollen so that he couldn't see through it anymore.

"Go and get her! She's a bitch! Look what she did to me. I wanted to play with her, have some fun. She told me that somebody left her and how she needed a good friend. I wanted her, so I'm her good friend..." He started to giggle and walked away.

I looked over at him and followed him with my eyes. Suddenly he stopped and looked back at me.

"And tell her that I'll get revenge. She had better get prepared! Hey, and my name is Parker! ...Shit!"

I want my Buffy! I need my Buffy…and she needs me! Her heart must be broken. Again.

I get up and I run. I run for Buffy, run for her love and I run to escape the rising sun.

Faster! Faster! The sun is burning my neck, the sun is burning my hands. I'm running, running.

I enter the building, run up the stairs, run across the floor, panting. I'm panting, my burning flesh is hurting. I can't stop thinking

"Buffy…"

I knock on the door. She is crying. My Buffy is crying! Please Buffy, let me in! Its screaming inside of me, but it doesn't stop to hurt. I want to hold her! I need to comfort her! I want my Buffy back! The tears start again…

I cry out "Buffy, please!" and fling the door open.

Buffy! She is lying on her bed, sobbing.

"Buffy, please. I can't come in without an invitation."

She turns her head around and looks at me. "Angel?" She sobs. "Angel!" Buffy gets up off her bed with lightning speed and runs over to me. She grabs my arm and draws me into her room saying, "come in."

I wrap my arms around her and hold her as close as I can. "Buffy we have to shut the drapes!"

She looks up into my already burnt face and closes the drapes as fast as she can. Then she comes back into my arms.

I close the door.

We hold each other. We are both crying now. We need each other.

I manage to speak. "Buffy I love you so much! Please, Buffy, please. I'm begging for your love, Buffy .I need you so much! I love you!"

She looks up into my eyes. "I love you, too, Angel! Never leave me again! Promise! Never leave me again!"

"I promise, Buffy! I am at home and I will never leave you! I promise!"

I promise!

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